Two Months

The way that we mark time and experience time is pretty strange. It's been two months since Hyatt died. It seems so short - and yet, like an eternity.

Things aren't getting easier. The numbness is wearing off and I feel things so much more sharply now. I just have to shut it out most of the time, but I do try to let it out once a day... usually by looking at some pictures of happy times or by trying to remember some fleeting detail.

Sid and Bek are doing great - I am very thankful for that - and I'm very thankful for all the support that my parents have provided by helping me with them.

It is still so unreal.

It is really hard to talk to people about how things are going - I do appreciate all the times that folks have left voicemail and email for me - I'm just not in a state to do a lot of talking.

Yesterday, I came across a card that someone sent with these words from St. Augustine on it ... read this and then go kiss your family ...

Troy.

IF YOU LOVE ME, DO NOT WEEP. IF YOU ONLY KNEW THE GIFT OF GOD AND WHAT HEAVEN IS! IF ONLY YOU COULD HEAR THE ANGEL'S SONG FROM WHERE YOU ARE, AND SEE ME AMONG THEM! IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE BEFORE YOUR EYES THE ETERNAL FIELDS WITH THEIR HORIZONS, AND THE NEW PATHS IN WHICH I WALK! IF ONLY YOU COULD COMTEMPLATE FOR ONE MOMENT THE BEAUTY THAT I SEE,

BEAUTY BEFORE WHICH ALL OTHERS FALL AND FADE!

WHY DO YOU WHO SAW ME AND LOVED ME IN THE LAND OF SHADOWS, WHY DO YOU THINK YOU WILL NOT SEE ME AND LOVE ME AGAIN IN THE LAND OF UNCHANGING REALITIES?

BELIEVE ME WHEN DEATH BREAKS YOUR CHAINS AS IT HAS BROKEN MINE, WHEN, ON THAT DAY, CHOSEN BY GOD, YOUR SOUL REACHES HEAVEN WHERE I HAVE PROCEEDED YOU, THEN YOU WILL SEE HIM WHO LOVED AND STILL LOVES YOU. YOU WILL FIND HIS HEART THE SAME, HIS TENDERNESS EVEN PURER THAN BEFORE.

GOD FORBID THAT ENTERING A HAPPIER LIFE, I SHOULD BECOME LESS LOVING, UNFAITHFUL TO THE MEMORIES AND REAL JOYS OF MY OTHER LIFE. YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN TRANSFIGURED IN ESCTASY AND HAPPINESS, NO LONGER WAITING FOR DEATH, BUT EVER HAND IN HAND WITH YOU, WALKING IN THE NEW PATHS OF LIGHT AND LIFE, MY THIRST TO THE FULLEST AT THE FEET OF GOD FROM A FOUNTAIN OF WHICH ONE NEVER TIRES, AND WHICH YOU WILL COME TO SHAPE WITH ME.

WIPE AWAY THE TEARS, AND IF YOU LOVE ME TRULY, WEEP NO MORE.

I miss her.

About 4 years ago, Hyatt went to Colorado for 3 months for a job rotation. I missed her constantly, but I knew she would come home to me soon... and I went to visit her. That is what it feels like now - like she is going to come home soon. Like she isn't really gone, just away on a trip. And then it hits....

This week was my first full week back to work full time. I'm exhausted. I haven't been able to really cry this week other than when I went to her grave - except for today. I miss interacting with her and holding her....

It's been a pretty rough couple of weeks. During the week of Christmas there were days where I couldn't look at the girls without crying. New years eve was harder than I thought it would be. I'm just going from hour to hour and day to day right now - part of me wants the hurt to stop - part of me wants it to never stop. I don't want to forget - I don't want to stop missing her. This is such a weird place to be...

Troy.

More Music

More of Hyatt singing... I love her voice.

Faith and Loss

I struggle with not being able to have told her I loved her - with the thoughts that she was frustrated with me when she had her cardiac arrest - what if her last thoughts were frustration with me? What if she woke up enough to realize that she needed help, but I wasn't there ...

It occurred to me this morning that part of believing in the Resurrection is the understanding that Hyatt, while not present physically, is still present spiritually. If that is the case, then she has heard and felt my love for her and she understands it all.

But there is the rub, I'm having a hard time trusting that she can feel it.... so I think part of the difficulty here is that I am having a bit of a crisis of faith. I know I need to believe, but sometimes I just can't see it or feel it.... and that scares me.

So please say a quick prayer for me... and for the girls...

Troy.

Still here...

I'm still here. These past few days have been very tough. Today, I couldn't spend any appreciable time with the kids without crying. I just want to lock myself in my room. It's just all so surreal... I just can't get my head around the fact that she is gone. I still see her walking in to my office to chat or smiling as we play with the kids. I wasn't ready for this ... for how hard it is... I thought that I'd been through it already while she was in Hospice ... I was wrong.

Go kiss those kids and your honey ... how long has it been?

Troy.

Funeral.

Folks,

Today I buried Hyatt. I'm exhausted and heading to bed. I'm posting her Eulogy here ... some of the folks present asked me to do this, and I wanted to share with loved ones who were unable to attend.

Please stay tuned to this blog - the journey is not ending ...

Love,
Troy.

Funeral Arrangements and Logistics

We will be posting information about the funeral, hotels, and other logistically helpful information in the coming days. To keep all of this information in a handy place, we have created a list of links on the right hand side of this page called Funeral Arrangements. Please feel to contact Allen (allenmurray (at) mac (dot) com) if you still have any questions.

Thank you for the overwhelming amount of Prayers, Love, and Support,
Allen

Memory Cards

We have had many thoughtful suggestions and offers of assistance to create a way to collect and pass on joyful memories, funny stories, and thoughts about Hyatt to her daughters and family.

The Bristow Moms and Kids Club, assisted by the MOMS Club of Gainesville, will provide preaddressed note cards at the wake and funeral for people to take with them and return by mail, after writing the memory they wish to share. The cards will be collected, organized, and later presented to the family.

If you are unable to attend either the wake or funeral, or are unable to obtain one of the preaddressed cards, you may send in your own note card to the address provided at the end of this entry. We ask that you send this particular correspondence to the P.O. Box, rather than the personal home address. If you wish to forgo the mail system all together, you may add a comment in the “Hyatt Stories” section of this blog, which will be printed and later added to the collection.

Here is the address for the Memory Cards:
Bristow Moms and Kids
12841 Braemar Village Plaza
Suite 118
Bristow, Va 20136

***Please do not include any person’s name or “Care Of” in the address or the letter will not be delivered. You can write “Memory Card” on the back of the envelope to facilitate sorting the mail once collected from the P.O. Box.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Thank you for contributing to a collection of memories to pass on to Hyatt’s most precious girls.

In lieu of Flowers....

Folks,

In lieu of flowers please make a donation, in Hyatt's honor, to either of the following organizations:

Prince William Conservation Alliance
PO Box 6351, Woodbridge, VA 22195
This is an organization that Hyatt did volunteer work with and they are working hard to conserve watershed and natural spaces around Prince William County - where we live. It is a cause that Hyatt cares passionately about. You can learn more at:
http://www.pwconserve.org/who/index.html

Capital Hospice

Attn: Development Office
6565 Arlington Blvd, Suite 500

Falls Church, VA 22042
This is the organization that has the inpatient facility where Hyatt spent the last month of her life. They are a great organization that is dedicated to easing pain and helping patients and loved ones cope with terminal illness - in their facility and throughout the community. You can learn more at:
http://www.capitalhospice.org/about/hospice/mission.asp

Troy.

Funeral Summary

Please join us in celebrating Hyatt's life starting on Thursday December 11th from 6-8pm for her wake. This will take place at Fairfax Memorial Funeral Home (9902 Braddock Rd, Fairfax, VA 22032).

On Friday December 12th at 11am we will celebrate a Mass of Christian Burial at St. Mary of Sorrows Church in Fairfax, VA (5222 Sideburn Road, Fairfax, VA 22032).

On Friday Following the Mass, we will have a grave-side service at St. Mary of Sorrows Historic Church Cemetery (Fairfax Station Road & Route 123, Fairfax Station, VA 22039). Please carpool to this service, there is limited parking.

Following the grave-side service, we will return to the main church (5222 Sideburn Road, Fairfax, VA 22032) for a reception.



View Larger Map

Hotel Accomodations

There are many nice hotels in close proximity to the Churches and Funeral Home. A list of these choices with contact information is attached below. A block of rooms will be reserved at the Hampton Inn - Fairfax City for Thursday and Friday night. Please reference the funeral for Mary Hyatt Ford Nolan.

Hampton Inn - Fairfax City
10860 Fairfax Boulevard
Fairfax, VA 22030
703-385-2600
703-385-2742 (fax)
Hotel Website

The following are other hotels (not listed in any particular order) in the same general area:

Comfort Inn - University Center
11180 Fairfax Blvd
Fairfax, VA 22030
703-591-5900
703-591-3507 (fax)
Hotel Website

Candlewood Suites
11400 Random Hills Rd
Fairfax, VA 22030
703-359-4490
703-359-4492 (fax)
Hotel Website

Best Western - Fairfax
3535 Chain Bridge Rd
Fairfax City, VA 22030-2703
703-591-5500
703-591-7483 (fax)
Hotel Website

Holiday Inn Express - Fairfax
10327 Fairfax Blvd
Fairfax, VA 22030
703-359-2888
703-385-9186 (fax)
Hotel Website

Fairfax Marriott - Fair Oaks
1787 Lee Jackson Memorial Highway
Fairfax, VA 22033
703-352-2525
703-667-2112 (fax)
Hotel Website

Hilton Garden Inn - Fairfax
3950 Fair Ridge Drive
Fairfax, VA 22033
703-385-7774
703-359-2932 (fax)
Hotel Website

Courtyard Marriott - Fairfax Fair Oaks
11220 Lee Jackson Memorial Highway (Rte. 50)
Fairfax, VA 22030
703-273-6161
703-273-3505 (fax)
Hotel Website

This is not an exhaustive list of hotels in the area, but does represent comfortable and reasonably priced choices which are close to the areas of interest. Please let me know if you have any trouble finding what you are looking for.

Thanks,
Allen

She's at Peace

Hi All,

I was with Hyatt all day on Thursday and held her for most of the day. She passed around 4:50pm. I spent most of the day telling her how everything here will be OK and how her Heavenly Father was waiting for her. I told her over and over how much I love her, how much her kids love her, and how much her family and friends love her. I asked her to pray for us when she gets to Heaven - that we will all constantly need her help.

I promised to make her love and life known to Sid and Bek as they grow up - and to reflect her love towards them in everything that I do.

Hyatt, I love you. I miss you. I'm so sorry.

She is in a better place now. She is at peace. I rejoice in knowing that she is with God, in his presence, and experiencing the Joy that she worked her whole life to achieve. But I am tragically heart broken that our time together was so short. I miss her.

=====================

Please join us in celebrating Hyatt's life starting on Thursday December 11th from 6-8pm for her wake. This will take place at Fairfax Memorial Funeral Home (9902 Braddock Rd, Fairfax, VA 22032).

On Friday December 12th at 11am we will celebrate a Mass of Christian Burial at St. Mary of Sorrows Church in Fairfax, VA (5222 Sideburn Road, Fairfax, VA 22032).

On Friday Following the Mass, we will have a grave-side service at St. Mary of of Sorrows Historic Church Cemetery (Fairfax Station Road & Route 123, Fairfax Station, VA 22039). Please carpool to this service, there is limited parking.

Following the grave-side service, we will return to the main church (5222 Sideburn Road, Fairfax, VA 22032) for a reception.

In lieu of flowers I will be making other arrangements - please stay tuned - I'll announce that here. It will be something that Hyatt would be proud to support.

Please go kiss your spouse and kids - call your parents and siblings and tell them how much you love them. (How long has it been?)

Troy.

She's Gone

Our dear Friend, Daughter, Mother, Wife, passed away this evening. She died peacefully in Troy's arms and in the presence of her Mom and Dad. It has been a trying week for the family and friends who have stayed with Hyatt 24X7 since Monday.

We've been dreading this day for the last month. Hyatt will be missed terribly by many, but also celebrated as an amazing person.

Details about her funeral will be posted as soon as they become available.

Thank you all for your prayers,

Allen

Decline....

Hyatt's condition is taking a turn for the worse.

Deep down, I knew this day would come. Despite all the hope and prayers.

I'm doing OK - my grief is still greatest for Hyatt, Sid, and Bek. I know that Hyatt's journey on earth is nearing it's end - that she is going home to her heavenly father - which is what she sought in her every action. Still, I will miss her terribly and I will miss her physical presence in the lives of our kids and in my life.

It has really been a strange few months. Everything about this has been surreal. What 35 year old just collapses like this? This is something that you read about in papers ... a rare, tragic occurrence that we just read about - strangers that we feel bad for - that we can thank God that it doesn't happen to us. It is really unfathomable. Such a vibrant, loving, caring person ... just gone in a snap.

Life is really precious - every moment of every day. Every breath, every thought, every word, every smile, every expression of tenderness - these are the opportunities that God gives us to reflect His love to those around us, to those whom we love.

So, over these past few months I've shared a lot of the things I've come to learn about myself and about how God works in my life, how He works in Hyatt's life, how he works in the lives of my two girls. My prayer is that you get to live the realizations while your loved ones still present to you. I'll get the opportunity to do this with Sid and Bek and with all the others that I come in contact with - but not with my true love.

I know that she saw these things in me - but I'd still like to have shown them to her more and more actively. Deep down in all of us God plants a seed - we know what is right and wrong, we know how we should act towards others, we know that kindness, tenderness, and compassion are the keys to loving those that God brings into our lives. Did I always act that way? No. Would I like a second chance at it? Terribly. I won't get that with Hyatt. The times I failed her I can't change... I can't make them better ... I can't show her a real and sustained conversion.

Please don't get caught in the trap that bites a lot of people in our society - the "what about me" perspective of marriage - it sneaks it's way into a lot of good marriages. It is in giving our whole selves selflessly, everytime, in this special relationship that we find the real purpose of Marriage - to bring each other selflessly closer to God. Hyatt did this for me time and time again. I am blessed to have had her influence in my life.

God gave me 17 years of love from this beautiful woman. That is a gift that I have been continually thanking him for throuought this crisis... why didn't I see it as clearly before this happened? That Hyatt was God's gift to me ... and that I needed to acknoledge that in every moment that I had with her...

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being consumed with regret - but I do have many of them.

Go kiss those kids and your lover ... how long has it been?

Troy.

What do I have to be thankful for?

Quite simply a whole lot. I am thankful for the love and support of my Family, for the love and support of my friends, for the love and support of all the friends that I didn't know I had, and for the love and support of all those whom I haven't yet met who are praying for Hyatt, me, and the kids.

I went and spent an hour or so with Hyatt tonight and told her all the things I was thankful for: I am thankful that God brought her into my life, I am thankful for 17 years of knowing her - her smile and laughter - her grace and peace. I am thankful for who I am now because she is in my life. I am thankful for the two wonderful children that we have brought into this world together. I am thankful for all the beautiful things that she made me aware of over the years - for her ability to see into and connect with others - for her kindness, constancy, and forgiveness... I am thankful for learning with her help what true love really is.

I hope and pray that each of you has had a wonderful Thanksgiving - and that you can really see God's presence in your family.

Troy.

A footnote:
A woman at church this morning said a special prayer for her daughter - she is going through some very tough and dangerous things. I don't know your name, but I am praying that your daughter see how much that you love her and how much God loves her - and I am praying for her safety, for you, and your family.

Footnote #2: (lest we forget in the busy season) How long has it been since you kissed your spouse? your kids?

I've been thinking alot about Marriage...

I've been thinking a lot about marriage and what it really means - more importantly how we should act - how I should act and how I should have acted. Marriage is tough. Marriage without being open to God's presence must be really tough. Hyatt and I always tried to keep God at the center of our Marriage - but, we didn't always get it right...

I believe that the primary goal of married life is to help each other to be more holy. To help each other live according to God's will... and ultimately to help each other reach heaven. Wow - all those offhanded sharp words and stupid arguments really are brought into perspective for me now.

Let me offer a thought to consider: If you knew your spouse would not live to see tomorrow - how different would you treat him/her? Since we never really know if we will get to talk to each other again, why not always treat each other like you would treat them if you only had one more day.

I wish I had had that question posed to me....

I love Hyatt with every bit of who I am. I am still unable to really grasp this whole thing. Sid still wants her mom to come home and play with her - so do I. She sees me crying and asks if I'm sad.... and hugs me and tells me that it is ok to be sad. The loss that I feel for the kids is staggering.

Hug those kids - Kiss your hubby/wife - wake them up - tell them you love them.

Troy.

Please pray...

Please pray for this family. My kids are sustaining me by their very presence through Hyatt's ordeal - I can't imagine the pain that John is going through.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-dui-deathsnov12,0,1585608.story

Go hug those kids.

Troy.

2 Months?

Has it really been that long? Time has a way of flashing by - but weirdly. It seems like all this started so long ago - but also that it was such a short time since I last talked with her.

I just walked through the kitchen on the way to my office PC to write something. It is so quiet at night - very lonely. If she were here, she'd have a smile for me - or certainly a tear and a hug in this case.

It doesn't get any easier, does it? It is getting harder now. As things work toward their inevitable conclusion I'm getting more and more numb with periods of deeper lows. This past Sunday was very emotional. I was thinking about how perfect everything felt in the weeks and month before this happened. How we just marveled at our kids, about how good it felt to be with each other, holding, touching, talking, and smiling.... and then it is all gone. All this is supposed to happen to those folks you read about in the newspaper or hear about on TV... or read about in a blog ... I used to project myself into those stories - to see what they felt - to run to my wife and kids afterward thinking how lucky I was, how lucky we were, that things like that, like this, happened to others. It is such a jarring, profound loss ... and as it stretches over time the hope for a miracle in the face of such a poor medical prognosis is very wearing - very tiring.

So let me tell you about some of the things that bring me joy and sustain me. The smile, kiss, and out of nowhere "I love you daddy's" that I get from Sid. The giggles, smiles, and dimples that light up Bek's face when I look at her and say "hi". The generosity of all the families that have helped us with meals, gift cards, and donations. The hugs and smiles of all my neighbors. The constant, daily, help that I get from my parents with raising the kids and managing a household. The prayers that I hear about (and those I don't know about directly, but am sure are happening). I am especially appreciative of those who give up time with their families to help us, to sit with Hyatt, to hold her, talk to her, and to pray with her. The comments that people leave on this bolg - I read it almost every night before I go to sleep - they are very comforting. I am constantly in awe of the outpouring of care and concern for me and the kids - I am thinkful to see that this type of support is alive and well in todays world.

I've run into a number of people now who know me through this tragedy, who have recognized me or picked up on something I said - who have stopped me and asked me about Hyatt, me, and the kids - and have told me that they are praying for me. Hyatt would be very pleased this level of caring...

God, I wish that I could have the chance to share all this with her....

Hold your spouse extra tight - kiss and hug your kids too much - let them know ....

Troy.

No significant Change

It has been a week in the Hospice Facility today - with no significant change in Hyatt's condition. I am still praying daily for a miracle. I don't think that God is going to answer my prayers in the way that I want him to. This I can accept - I think the Bible quote goes something like - As high above the earth is the Sky, so high above my thoughts are His. I don't like this, but I can accept it.

Probably the hardest thing for me to come to terms with is that Sid probably will not have memories of Hyatt - and Bek certainly will not. Hyatt has had such a positive influence on both of their lives already I grieve for their loss more fiercely than my own.

I've had a couple of times in this past week where I needed my sounding board... to discuss things with Her ... to see things through Her eyes to try and find the right answers. These have been some of the first times that I've felt lost without her. Deciding on her care, on the mechanics of the things that I have to do because I am in this situation, is straightforward (or it seems that way thanks to all the support I get from key folks) - trying to figure out some of the issues that have no real clear answers is where I miss her voice most of all. That and the empty, cold, bed when I go to sleep. How am I going to manage this ... it is so overwhelming - but it is something I can't run from.... one minute at a time is about all I can manage.

She hugged me out of the blue the monday before all this happened. She said that she had had a dream that I would get injured in a car accident on the way to work and that she'd lose me. I stopped my morning rush out the door to hold her and tell her I loved her and that I'd make sure that didn't happen.... little did I know...

Go kiss your kids. Go hug your spouse so hard that it feels like you cant breathe .... hold on as tightly as you can... I wish I could again.

Troy.

Hospice.

I moved Hyatt to a Hospice facility today. I'm pretty numb right now - it is the realization that this is the place that, without God's intervention, Hyatt will die that is really dragging on me.

I just can't really fathom what life is going to be like without her. It has been almost seven weeks now - I still expect to see her holding the kids when I walk in the door... or see her doing a quick-change for a Curves workout - or see her smiling at me in wonder as the kids do their amazingly sweet things.

Every time I think about it I just want to ball up and cry. It is such a lonely place to be.

Pray for her ...

Troy.