About 4 years ago, Hyatt went to Colorado for 3 months for a job rotation. I missed her constantly, but I knew she would come home to me soon... and I went to visit her. That is what it feels like now - like she is going to come home soon. Like she isn't really gone, just away on a trip. And then it hits....
This week was my first full week back to work full time. I'm exhausted. I haven't been able to really cry this week other than when I went to her grave - except for today. I miss interacting with her and holding her....
It's been a pretty rough couple of weeks. During the week of Christmas there were days where I couldn't look at the girls without crying. New years eve was harder than I thought it would be. I'm just going from hour to hour and day to day right now - part of me wants the hurt to stop - part of me wants it to never stop. I don't want to forget - I don't want to stop missing her. This is such a weird place to be...
Troy.
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I (Troy's brother Pete) have opened this site to provide updates for friends and family on Hyatt's condition. As a warning, there will be explicit details on her condition and some posts may not be for the feint of heart. Troy has asked that I do this, so that someday (soon!) Hyatt can read the details of exactly what happened.
Mary-Hyatt F. Nolan
39 comments:
Troy, I have not been sure about sharing this other blog with you, but I am going to. Perhaps it will bring you some comfort. It is about Matt and Wendy, whose story is way too much like your own, but 1.5 years later. My heart goes out to you and your family.
http://wendysfriends.wordpress.com/
Troy, you know, when I read your comment about not wanting the hurt but not wanting it to go away either because you didn't want to forget her, tears came to my eyes. I could so easily remember feeling that when our son passed. We said those exact words to our counselor! Because his death was sudden with no warning, I too often though he would walk right through the door and...............
These days are extremely difficult and there is no getting around that. Give yourself to your grief whenever you can. Make space for crying even though you are back at work and with responsibilities at home. Be good to yourself.
It's been 3 1/2 years since our son passed and we still remember. We talk about him. We have his picture in the family room. We do something special on his birthday that he would have done. The fear of forgetting is their but the power to remember is greater!
On this Saturday morning, you are being prayed for and thought of. God will never let you go even if He feels a million miles away!
Sending love and Hugs, GarvyS
I pray for you and the girls every day. She is with you in your heart. She is walking with God and she is so happy! I pray that every minute of every day you feel her love in your heart to help you to begin to heal. Wrap your arms around those beautiful girls you both made together and remeber her love and pass it on to those girls. :) I hope you have a peaceful day today.
You're working through your feelings and how she will be a part of you forever and what that will mean for you and the girls. You are right on. Just keep hanging, keep going, and keep the faith. We are all still praying for ya'll. Prayers from Indiana.
Troy,
I am so sorry. I've been following your posts since I learned what happened, back in September.
I cannot believe she is gone. This wasn't supposed to happen...she was a beautiful and genuinely good person. The world is emptier without her in it.
I've thought a lot about the year that we lived together, back in Lee dorm. I've thought about how I wished I'd have been a better roommate. But I also thought about a lot of times that we laughed and goofed around, how she was the first one to teach me how to use MS Word (I was so afraid that I would blow up her computer by hitting the wrong key!), and how much I could see that she loved you. You two were true college sweethearts...you each complemented the other, fit together so well...
I've tried to let as many people that I could from college know about what happened: Chris Myers, Tara Staunton, all the folks from a Cappology. Our thoughts and prayers are all with you and your girls. We will always remember Hyatt as someone who brightened any room she walked in to. Her genuine sweetness made you feel good, made you want to be a better person. She inspired me to be a more responsible recycler! :)
Love and prayers,
Heidi (Shoemake) Davidson
hadavidson2006@yahoo.com
I miss her too and never even knew her. But I think of you often and pray for your peace. I also wanted you to know that YOU have brought me closer to my husband and children by sharing your feelings with me....
Troy, you have my every sympathy. I have some idea how you feel. I lost my wife with no warning at all, just five days after her 36th birthday. Bronchitis turned to pneumonia and we had no idea. So I said goodnight, and in the morning....
I know that you know them, the assurances we find in the Gospels. But that can't stop it from hurting. Sue's priest expressed it well during her funeral. "We do not mourn for you, for you are with the Father, and at Peace. We mourn for ourselves, for you will not walk with us or talk with us anymore."
My experience over these last twenty years is that the grief is never gone. But it gradually recedes until it becomes just a dull ache somewhere in the back of your mind. One that only on rare occasion will leap up and take center stage for a bit. Let it. It doesn't last. And the fact that it happens is one reassurance you have that she is still an indelible part of you. So even the pain can be good, as long as you don't wallow in it, as long as you allow yourself to go back to what was good. Because there was so much good, so much good, and that's the best reassurance that she is still part of you.
One other suggestion — there may be times when you will try to immerse yourself in guilt and remorse for what you did, or said, or didn't do, or didn't say. Hurt her, let her down, disappointed her. Based on all I have read here, I tell you with certainty: You will be beating yourself up over things you should not. Things that never bothered her in the first place, or she forgave you for long ago. She doesn't hold it against you, so do let yourself do the same.
I commend two books to you. One is "A Grief Observed" by C. S. Lewis. The other one is "Healing After Loss" by Martha Whitmore Hickman, daily meditations on working through grief. I've found both of them hugely helpful.
She loved you. She loves you. That will always be true.
God bless her memory, and God bless you and your children.
/Bruce/
You are not alone, even though the world feels empty some minutes and some minutes very full. I lost someone 4 years ago that I was extremely close to. I remember days that I thought "I will never feel life fully again and I will never truly feel happy again". All this time later I feel like I am on the other side of the intense pain. I still think about her everyday but now with more happy reflection. Things have happened I wish I could tell her, ask her and have her tell me. Like Hyatt, she was a strong Christian and I am thankful that I know where she is and I take comfort in knowing she is able to know all the things I want to tell her and she, like Hyatt will, probably orchestrated them all with the Lord anyway. :) I am envious that you have Hyatt's beautiful voice to hear everytime you want to. That is such a treasure!! I wish I could hear my loved ones voice again. I have two young daughters myself and one of my daughter's is named Sydney. I think about you and the girls often and pray for you often. You are very strong but when you are weak the Lord can handle your anger, doubt, screams and cries. I felt forgotten by the Lord and I think you may be feeling that also. Now looking back, I believe He was closer then, otherwise I could never had made it where I am today, not on my own. You are here for those beautiful baby girls and they are the most fortunate little girls in the world to have such incredible parents. I wish you a little rest tonight from the pain and a good nights sleep.
I have not yet commented on your blog, but I've read every entry and followed your heartbreaking experience from the start. I went to Page HS with Hyatt and she was a year ahead of me. I never knew her well, however, she always seemed so full of life and oh so talented, so multi-talented. I remember her smiling most times I passed her in the hall. And for some reason I remember her having really long legs!! (Maybe that's a girl thing) So, I really connected with your 1/9 entry. Loss, love and grief are very strange concepts, constantly moving, constantly fluid. They involve the entire range of emotions and the movement between feelings can be slow where you feel you are stuck and things will never change or they can fly in and out like the wind. And please don't believe in accepting that "acceptance" needs to occur at some prescribed time or even that it needs to occur at all. Savor the moments when you find yourself believing she's on vacation. Let your mind wonder, let yourself go there, let yourself experience this any way you, your mind, your heart, and your faith allow you to do it, all while still loving Hyatt and those beautiful girls; her wonderful gifts and your earthy guardian angels. I know there will be days when irritability may rule, then the urge to lash out, then pity, then sorrow, then denial, then love, then forgiveness, then anger, then tears over memories, then laughter over memories, then dreams when she's there, and dreams when she's not. This will not be scripted, nor should it be. Go with the emotions you're having and don't make excuses - they're yours to have. They may stick for a moment or they may flee like the breeze. One thing I know for sure about loss is once your are past the initial trauma, the love in your heart grows beyond your wildest dreams. She's there with you in heart, soul, faith, and mind and she will ALWAYS be there and your connection will never stop. Your interaction has transformed yes, however, your love is forever, nothing and no one can stand in the way. Please know I have cried my eyes out reading about your journey as well as your strength. Your are an incredible person going through an extroadinary experience. My heart goes out to you and I continue to pray for you. And remember, you have nothing to fear...one day we'll all be coming home from our long business trips and you (you lucky dog!) will have the most beautiful, amazing, loving woman waiting to take your hand and show you true love once again. Thinking about you.
Checking your blog has become part of my routine--I am sure you are missing your routine--those quirky fun things you guys used to do and say. my heart goes out to you each time i read one of your posts--you can hear the pain in your voice and the longing for just one more hug, smile, laugh,
listening to you talk about your wife makes me want to be an even better one--it is inspiring to hear your tale of love, unconditional and everlasting
i have read people say how lucky you were to have Hyatt, it sounds like she was lucky as well to have found you--i will continue to pray for you and your family as we do each and every night since we recieved the note from Haymarket Baptist about your family (my daughters both go there)I wish you comfort and peace as you go through this myriad of emotions--like you said one day, one hour at a time, there are so many people out there "pulling for you" and praying for you
God Bless you and your family--
Carol
Troy - Still praying for you and your family - for guidance and conviction. In the still silence wait for the Lord and He will come. Don't give up, I can only speak from the experience of losing a friend 24 years ago, but you never forget, there is always some pain, but things get easier with time and you will see her again in the life to come.
Troy,
Words can not express how sorry I am for your pain, just as I know words can not express the pain iteself. I am praying for you. I want you to know I have enjoyed getting to know your truly precious girls as well as your amazing parents. If this had to happen, I am thankful God blessed you with such wonderful people in your life. I know that doesn't help with missing Hyatt, but I know eventually the better days will start to become a little more frequent and then even outnumber the harder days. It's a slow process but it will happen. And even when it does, it doesn't mean you miss Hyatt any less or love her any less, it just means you are adusting to your "new normal." I know it's not what you want your "normal" to be, but trust God that He is with you every step of the way. He still has tremendous plans for you and the girls. I'll be praying.
I hope to get over and read to/play with Sidney this week. I can't believe how much Becka is getting around... the change in the last month is amazing!! They truly are precious.
Kim Nussbaum
Troy,
I just wanted to let you know that we're still out there for you. The new year has begun and it's a time for new beginnings; i can't even begin to imagine what this time of year means to you. Everything I could say would sound trite so it's tempting to not even try.
I'm going to try and continue this messsage if this will let me...
But please know you are not alone...
joey
Troy
You are not alone. May you be embraced by the love and support of all those around you that are thinking of you and your girls. Thank you for sharing your grief with us and please know that you are in our prayers!
I keep thinking it's sad movie that I watched and then I look out my back windows into "Hyatt's" morning room... I'm right here with ya, Troy. It will never make sense to me.
Much Love,
Margaret, Rich, Jamie and Linsdey Asbell
Still thinking about you and the girls everyday Troy.
I know Hyatt would want you to find some peace for yourself and for the sake of your children. You will never forget her.
You are so fortunate to have those recordings of her singing. The song posted below is so beautiful. "It's only life after all."
Sam
Troy,
I'm so sorry for your pain...and for the sorrow that comes with adjusting to a "new normal" without Hyatt's daily companionship.
Please take comfort in knowing that you are in our thoughts and prayers.
As time goes by, maybe you could consider starting some sort of scholarship, foundation, memorial activity/event, etc. as a place for you and the girls to channel your grief, energy, and love for Hyatt...and continue to turn your big love into big good. I can't shake the feeling that you and Hyatt are a team--you in the physical and her in the spiritual--that will continue to make a difference in this world for years to come.
Praying for you...
I pray that as you work through this pain you feel the love and presence of others and of God. There are no words to say other than you remain in my prayers.
The pain will eventually ease as time goes by...maybe years...but those we hold most dear never truly leave us. They live on in the kindness they showed, the comfort they shared and the love they brought into our lives. God bless you every minute of the day!
Death is nothing at all
Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we still are
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effect
Without the ghost of a shadow on it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolutely unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you at an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Henry Scott Holland 1847-1918
Canon of St Pauls Cathedral
And God's grace will take you hour by hour, day by day. Sometimes it is just barely enough, but it - and He - is always there.
And ever so slowly, the hurt will diminish, but not completely leave. You will always have a hole where she was, and rebuild around it.
My prayers continue for you and the girls.
Troy
It truly is a wierd place to be. It may sound shallow, but you will, in time, be able to be happy, without forgetting and without guilt. Right now it seems impossible, but it will happen.
Love
The Schumachers
Troy
I have been reading your blogs. I too am still missing my grandfather who passed away a month before Hyatt did. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years was lonely. I will continue to pray for you and your two beautiful girls.
Parishioner at St Marys
Troy,
I have posted a comment once before but I hadn't read your blog since November as December is such a busy month and then after Christmas we took our children and grandchildren on a trip to Gatlinburg and stayed in a cabin in the mountains over New Years. I was so sorry to hear your sad news. My first husband passed away in 1995 from bone cancer. I remarried in 2001 after meeting a man who had lost his wife to a brain tumor. We took my two sons and their children and one of his sons and their children on this trip. The other children live out west and couldn't make it this time. What a wonderful time we had! But there is not a day goes by that either of us doesn't think of our first spouse, love them, keep them in our hearts, and think of the good times that we had as families. We try very hard to keep all of our children together as a family, still have good times together, and we love them and the grandchildren all so much! I'm sure that their Mom and Dad really appreciate this. We had both been married for twenty some years and our children were fairly grown (in high school and college)when they went to be with our Heavenly Father. But my husband and I know how very much the kids still miss their deceased parents and wish that they could be here to hold and play with the grandchildren. We understand and respect this. I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter where your life takes you from here on in, (and life does go on) you will always have Hyatt in your heart and she will always be a part of you and your children. You just have to trust God to get you through this, lean on Him, ask Him to guide and direct your path. It's not easy. Having your girls at home with you is a blessing that will keep you busy and strive to make their life happy and bearable without their Mother. I can remember coming home from work one night to an empty house after my husband died and I cried so hard I started hyperventilating and had to call a neighbor to come be with me for a little while. Do I still cry? Yes, we both do. Sometimes a movie will bring back memories, or sometimes I look at my sons and see their Dad or something that they say or do reminds me of him. But I love those times! Being with family, as we both still attend all of our first spouses family get togethers (together) brings back so many memories! We are so blessed that they have so warmly accepted us both into their families! God is good! I believe that one day, we will all be living in heaven as one big happy family. So go ahead and cry and grieve and ask why, and get mad, and go thru all the feelings that we all go thru when we lose a loved one because it does hurt! But remember that God is with you and HE is the only one who can and will get you through this. We may never understand why. But one day, and it will come sooner than you think, we will know all the answers. Keep praying and asking for prayer. I pray that you and your girls will always remember the good times with Hyatt and that eventually you will be able to smile and laugh and love again until we are one day reunited as one big happy family together in Heaven. God Bless!
Troy, I was left a link on my blog to yours with a comment about similar stories, by the same person who left the first anonymous comment here. My wife Wendy had a similar cardiac arrest 15 months before your wife did. I can fully relate to much of what you've written and would be glad to talk or email if you'd like.
Yesterday was the 19 month mark of the start of my life without Wendy. I've had plenty of ups and downs but lately it's more up than down. Please feel free to read my blog and contact me if you like.
I'm praying for you and your kids.
Matt
Thinkiing of you and the girls today and praying.
Troy, I check the blog often, as many do, to see how you are doing. I never met Hyatt nor you, but have followed the blog from the beginning.
Reading your most recent post brought back many memories of when my mother passed away almost 9 yrs ago. I still have the same feelings that you are feeling now, though by no means can I compare the feeling of losing a spouse.
You will never forget Hyatt, nor the times that you shared. I think about my mother everyday and often shed a tear for my children not having her in their life.
Cherish your memories and think and talk of her often with your girls and with others.
As time passes it will get easier.
Know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many.
Tracy
May it lift you up to know that, at times you feel most alone, you may be receiving prayers from someone, somewhere in the world, at that exact moment.
Troy, It was nice to see you earlier this week. While I wanted to give you a bear hug and shed a tear or two or a thousand, I kept myself from it. I would hate to be the reason you break down when you seem so strong. Typically I'm the one that everyone comes to when they are hurting or just need a shoulder or an ear. Typically I'm the one that can fix or repair just about anything. I don't know how to fix this Troy. And I don't think I can. It breaks my heart to say it, but I just don't know what to do. I think the hurt will go away. It will take time, but you have a ton of people, family and friends to help you get through this. Please don't think you could ever forget Hyatt. Its impossible. Especially when you have two beautiful girls that look just like her. Even if she never walks through the door again, she's in your heart, your mind, and in your soul. She is every bit a part of you as you are a part of her. You'll get through this Troy. One day at a time. One hug and kiss from your girls at a time. And most likely a couple tears at a time. I'm still praying. Still praying for you and the girls. For your parents and hers. Praying that she never leaves your side. Because as you sit at your desk and try desperatly to focus on work, I believe she is right next to you holding your hand and helping you get through this. On days when the sun breaks through the clouds I can see her smile. She's with you Troy.
~Laura
Troy, Not a day goes by that we don't think of you and the girls and your extended family and say a prayer. Thanks for the extra Hyatt songs you posted. They are a blessing to us too. A friend of mine tried unsuccessfully to post you a thank you also for sharing them. I took a look at some of Matt's postings on the wendysfriends site. When you are able it would help you not feel so alone in your loss. God's Peace...the Geipels
Troy-
I never knew her- or your family--but I have followed the story on your blog since it happened.
Please know that people you don't know are praying for you and the girls.
I don't look at my husband and my kids the same since I started reading your entries. You may not be able to bring Hyatt back and the pain is certainly unlike any other but if you have one, small piece of hope is that you are helping so many others love their kids more, stop picking silly fights and realizing that days on earth are short so you need to love the people around you every day in every way!
May God bless you as you transition back to work, on with life without Hyatt and as a single dad. Our hearts and prayers remain with you-- Sarah
Troy, My prayers are with you.
Bob Hildebrand
Bob.Hldebrand@gmail.com
Still thinking about you and the girls, Troy. Hang in there.
Barb
Troy,
I'm still thinking of you and your family. Please keep us updated on you and your girls. We're still praying for you all.
A local friend of mine lost her mother a few weeks ago and has found great comfort in your blog.
Dear Troy,
I am praying that you feel totally loved and accepted right where you are on this journey. You've been on my mind often the last few days. You are loved and prayed for today. Sending a big hug your way for you and the girls.
Dear Troy,
I hope you feel loved and accepted right where you are on this journey of grief and loss. You have been on my mind often the last few days. Sending a big hug your way for you and the girls!
Just wanted you to know that some of us are still thinking of you and praying your pain away.
Troy,
Still thinking of you and still praying...
Hang in there.
Troy, I think of you and the girls everyday! I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. It matters. People care. God cares. Praying that as you breathe in and out this day that you will feel the strength of God to keep going. You are loved.
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