Things aren't getting easier. The numbness is wearing off and I feel things so much more sharply now. I just have to shut it out most of the time, but I do try to let it out once a day... usually by looking at some pictures of happy times or by trying to remember some fleeting detail.
Sid and Bek are doing great - I am very thankful for that - and I'm very thankful for all the support that my parents have provided by helping me with them.
It is still so unreal.
It is really hard to talk to people about how things are going - I do appreciate all the times that folks have left voicemail and email for me - I'm just not in a state to do a lot of talking.
Yesterday, I came across a card that someone sent with these words from St. Augustine on it ... read this and then go kiss your family ...
Troy.
IF YOU LOVE ME, DO NOT WEEP. IF YOU ONLY KNEW THE GIFT OF GOD AND WHAT HEAVEN IS! IF ONLY YOU COULD HEAR THE ANGEL'S SONG FROM WHERE YOU ARE, AND SEE ME AMONG THEM! IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE BEFORE YOUR EYES THE ETERNAL FIELDS WITH THEIR HORIZONS, AND THE NEW PATHS IN WHICH I WALK! IF ONLY YOU COULD COMTEMPLATE FOR ONE MOMENT THE BEAUTY THAT I SEE,
BEAUTY BEFORE WHICH ALL OTHERS FALL AND FADE!
WHY DO YOU WHO SAW ME AND LOVED ME IN THE LAND OF SHADOWS, WHY DO YOU THINK YOU WILL NOT SEE ME AND LOVE ME AGAIN IN THE LAND OF UNCHANGING REALITIES?
BELIEVE ME WHEN DEATH BREAKS YOUR CHAINS AS IT HAS BROKEN MINE, WHEN, ON THAT DAY, CHOSEN BY GOD, YOUR SOUL REACHES HEAVEN WHERE I HAVE PROCEEDED YOU, THEN YOU WILL SEE HIM WHO LOVED AND STILL LOVES YOU. YOU WILL FIND HIS HEART THE SAME, HIS TENDERNESS EVEN PURER THAN BEFORE.
GOD FORBID THAT ENTERING A HAPPIER LIFE, I SHOULD BECOME LESS LOVING, UNFAITHFUL TO THE MEMORIES AND REAL JOYS OF MY OTHER LIFE. YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN TRANSFIGURED IN ESCTASY AND HAPPINESS, NO LONGER WAITING FOR DEATH, BUT EVER HAND IN HAND WITH YOU, WALKING IN THE NEW PATHS OF LIGHT AND LIFE, MY THIRST TO THE FULLEST AT THE FEET OF GOD FROM A FOUNTAIN OF WHICH ONE NEVER TIRES, AND WHICH YOU WILL COME TO SHAPE WITH ME.
WIPE AWAY THE TEARS, AND IF YOU LOVE ME TRULY, WEEP NO MORE.
