Things aren't getting easier. The numbness is wearing off and I feel things so much more sharply now. I just have to shut it out most of the time, but I do try to let it out once a day... usually by looking at some pictures of happy times or by trying to remember some fleeting detail.
Sid and Bek are doing great - I am very thankful for that - and I'm very thankful for all the support that my parents have provided by helping me with them.
It is still so unreal.
It is really hard to talk to people about how things are going - I do appreciate all the times that folks have left voicemail and email for me - I'm just not in a state to do a lot of talking.
Yesterday, I came across a card that someone sent with these words from St. Augustine on it ... read this and then go kiss your family ...
Troy.
IF YOU LOVE ME, DO NOT WEEP. IF YOU ONLY KNEW THE GIFT OF GOD AND WHAT HEAVEN IS! IF ONLY YOU COULD HEAR THE ANGEL'S SONG FROM WHERE YOU ARE, AND SEE ME AMONG THEM! IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE BEFORE YOUR EYES THE ETERNAL FIELDS WITH THEIR HORIZONS, AND THE NEW PATHS IN WHICH I WALK! IF ONLY YOU COULD COMTEMPLATE FOR ONE MOMENT THE BEAUTY THAT I SEE,
BEAUTY BEFORE WHICH ALL OTHERS FALL AND FADE!
WHY DO YOU WHO SAW ME AND LOVED ME IN THE LAND OF SHADOWS, WHY DO YOU THINK YOU WILL NOT SEE ME AND LOVE ME AGAIN IN THE LAND OF UNCHANGING REALITIES?
BELIEVE ME WHEN DEATH BREAKS YOUR CHAINS AS IT HAS BROKEN MINE, WHEN, ON THAT DAY, CHOSEN BY GOD, YOUR SOUL REACHES HEAVEN WHERE I HAVE PROCEEDED YOU, THEN YOU WILL SEE HIM WHO LOVED AND STILL LOVES YOU. YOU WILL FIND HIS HEART THE SAME, HIS TENDERNESS EVEN PURER THAN BEFORE.
GOD FORBID THAT ENTERING A HAPPIER LIFE, I SHOULD BECOME LESS LOVING, UNFAITHFUL TO THE MEMORIES AND REAL JOYS OF MY OTHER LIFE. YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN TRANSFIGURED IN ESCTASY AND HAPPINESS, NO LONGER WAITING FOR DEATH, BUT EVER HAND IN HAND WITH YOU, WALKING IN THE NEW PATHS OF LIGHT AND LIFE, MY THIRST TO THE FULLEST AT THE FEET OF GOD FROM A FOUNTAIN OF WHICH ONE NEVER TIRES, AND WHICH YOU WILL COME TO SHAPE WITH ME.
WIPE AWAY THE TEARS, AND IF YOU LOVE ME TRULY, WEEP NO MORE.
29 comments:
Oh Troy,
Just know that we think about you and the girls and miss Hyatt EVERY DAY. We are here for you whenever you are ready.
Much Love and Big Hugs from Across the Fence,
Margaret, Rich, Lindsey and Jamie Asbell
Troy,thanks for sharing your thoughts and the poem. Continuing to pray for you,Sid and Bek, and your parents. What a gift they have been to you. There really aren't any words. It really is so unreal-all of it. I'm prayinag you sense God's presence and grace and strength in each moment. Love and Hugs to you all!
Dear Troy,
It does seem so hard to come to terms with the loss of Hyatt. I don't see it like you do everyday, I feel it in my heart and head. I miss her all the time and see you and the girls in my mind every day and every night. I pray for you, ask God to help you with your needs as He knows better what you need than I. When I see or read or hear of a loss in the news, in a book I read or a movie I watch you come pouring into my mind with such force that I lose my train of thought and am consumed with your hurt. I feel sad and helpless for you Troy, as it is hard not to want to "fix" things and make them better. If I could hug you, I would, if I could hold your hand and comfort you, I would, if I could just sit with you and say nothing but just be present to you, I would. Know for sure that you are not far from my conscious thoughts and are always in my subconscious, waiting for a prayer. I see you smiling again and playing with Sid and Beka. loving them just as Hyatt did. I know she is here with us and I love her more than ever. She will always be my sweet angel and precious friend like no other. Hope and courage she instills in us through Him. That is how I am getting by each day. I hope you know the love and compassion I and my family feel for you. We miss you very much. Kiss and hug the girls for me please, they are so beautiful. Love to Colleen and Jim as they are truly a gift to you all.
You continue to be in my prayers. I so respect your openess and your willingness to share. Although I don't know you except through this tragedy, I cannot imagine that anyone would be bothered by you not answering voice mail and email. Taking care of yourself and the girls is by far the most important thing you can do.
Blessings to you and the girls.
I understand!!! We are here for you when you are ready. This doesn't mean, I am going to stop bugging you. I am still going to invite you over for playdates, for a beer or to meet for lunch. Troy, remember she loved you, all of you and she loved it when you LAUGHED. Its okay to smile and to laugh and its okay to be sad. I know she is there with you. xoxoxo JW
Troy - you seem to be doing & feeling exactly what you need to in order to get through each day and move forward to an easier place. Our prayers are always with you.
Troy,
I thought about you and the girls today, as I was outside enjoying this lovely day on the playground with my 2 boys. I hope that you can enjoy the next few days outside and the warm sun.
Please know that many are thinking about you.
Hi Troy-
We got the beautiful letter you wrote the preschool inside the newsletter. It was so very touching. I know many people who continually read your blog to see how you and the girls are doing. The times ahead are uncharted waters as everything starts to really sink in--Your family continues to be in my family's thoughts and prayers each night. My wish for you tonight is just a good night's rest --I am sure you could really use one--
Carol
Troy,
We love you and we're still praying for you, every day. It will get better, but it will take time. Let yourself grieve - one day you will find that, when you are looking at pictures or grasping at a fleeting memory, you will find yourself smiling. That's God's grace - He won't let the hurt go on forever. I still cry for her too, as do the rest of her family. You're not alone.
Love you,
Nancy
Troy,
God has used your family to touch and change many lives. I continue to pray for you, and that God will use our prayers to touch yours.
Troy,
I often find myself enjoying a laugh, or a sunny day, or just quiet time together with my husband, and my mind wandering to Hyatt,and thoughts of you... wondering how you're doing, how you're coping, and realizing more intently that ever how fleeting my time with Mark may be. Shortly before Hyatt got sick, I came across a book in B&N that really helped a little to cope with what came...."90 Minutes in Heaven". I laughed, cried, smiled. It might actually help to further solidify the words from Augustine that you listed. I pray for you and the family constantly, and Hyatt is never far from my thoughts.
Rhonda Rollins
Troy,
Your family is a blessing to know...I will keep you all in my prayers.
Kim Nussbaum
Good Morning, Troy,
I am thinking about you today and praying. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Troy,
Do you ever remember your parent putting medicine on a cut or scrape when you were little, and when it stung, they told you it stung because it was working? I think grief moves the same way...when you allow it to sting- as you are-you know that you are on a path to eventual healing...with a scar that will remain.
So many times, people try to move over, under, or around grief, and I am proud of you for working your way through it. Take as much time as you need.
When I have journeyed with grief in the past, I have found that the world goes into slow motion. I have felt as if I am in a time warp, wondering how everyone around me can go about their "business as usual" when I am suffering so greatly.
There are gifts that grief brings too, and thank goodness, because otherwise we would never let it in. The gift of heightened awareness, the gift of renewed or changed contemplation of the grander plan, the gift of greater value in each day. Grab hold of those gifts...don't let them fade with time.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I did not know Hyatt, but as a mother, I know that she is pleased and proud that her girls are doing so well.
My prayers are also with all who help and pray for you...I know there are many.
Hang in there.
February 11, 2009
I just found your blog today. I spent about 3 hours reading every word... and crying! I see you and your children almost every Sunday in church and mostly I am consumed by one thought: Why am I allowed to see those beautiful children grow up and not her? I almost feel guilty watching them. They are adorable (you know that!). Last Sunday, Sidney was standing right next to you, folding her hands, trying to sing and I couldn't help but thinking "Already she's trying to fill her mother's shoes".
It still is unbelievable to us, too. We barely know you, but in the last 1 1/2 years, since we've been going to the Historic Church and through the whole tragedy and your openness about it, I do feel close to you and your family.
I want you to know that Hyatt (or you) left a legacy for us: After attending the funeral mass and reading your words on the last page over and over again, I came up with an idea: When our kids come home from school (or play on weekends) they need a password to come in. The password is "I love you" and (most of the time) I'll be there to hug and kiss them and say it back. (I try to do the same with my husband, especially when he returns from a trip. But we've done that before, too). It feels good every time. I learned to appreciate through you and your story that life, just life, is a gift we certainly do not appreciate enough.
And so I am sitting here in front of my computer (for the 4th hour now) while 2 of our 3 kids are home with the stomach flu, being grateful for life with all the whining, messy surprises and worries about your precious kids!
Thank you Troy!
We will continue to pray for you and your family and we will continue to enjoy your beautiful girls.
Hang in there, Troy! Time will dull the pain and will make your daily routine more manageable.
Hug your girls every chance you have as you will be hugging Hyatt as well.
I am still praying for you!!!
When my father died, my mom did pretty much what you did: she gave herself 20 minutes a day to really feel it, to lose it. Then she, like you, picked herself up and got back to putting together her life without her dearest love.
My dad's been gone nearly 20 years. Thankfully, over time, the pain of loss has gotten duller, and the memories of love and laughter are sharper.
I shared with her your loss. She will keep you in her prayers as well.
Barb
Troy,
Praying for you right now. Hang in there.
Just wanted you to know there are still people checking in on you and the girls. I check weekly in anticipation of seeing an update. I pray for you and the girls. I grew up with Hyatt at Peach Church. I have a family of my own now and can't imagine being in your shoes. I do know that Hyatt is with you and the girls always and that God is holding you in the palm of his hand! You are amazing! Hold tight to your beliefs and your family! You've taught me to hold me tighter!!
Troy - I am sorry for your loss. I live in the local area and have followed your story. I also follow the story of Matt...he lost his wife the day after the birth of the daughter. Unexpected loss just like yours...maybe he can help you. http://www.mattlogelin.com/ that is the link to his site.
May God bless you and your family always.
best wishes
heather
Not sure if it's the attachment, but this latest Post locks up my computer.
Troy,
I went to see Hyatt on Friday. Seems like an odd day, Friday the 13th. Left work and found myself standing in front of her. Like I was supposed to be there, but didn't know it. Half expected to see you there. So, I try to associate feelings or moments in my life with songs, because it seems to make the healing go faster. I have a new one for you. I think you'll like this one. Its been helping me. I listen to it over and over again. Eventually the tears stop and I smile. Its John Mayer's The Heart of Life:
I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then, the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good
~Laura
Prayers will always be sent up for you and your family. You are loved....
Troy...just a reminder that although few of us write so often we keep you and the girls close in our hearts and prayers. We all realize you are in transition. Just don't forget to do something good for yourself every day...which means hug yourself and be gentle. Blessings, Bob and Pat Geipel
Dear Troy,
I have met Hyatt in High School in Greensboro where I spent one year as exchange student, actually it was her senior year (1990/91). I have already graduated from High School in Austria but wanted to spend a year abroad and that was Greensboro. Hyatt and many others I met were members of the International Club and so we had a good time at parties, football games, at the beach, shopping, sleep over parties and many other occations. There are several special moments I shared with Hyatt and we had wonderful discussion. But what I remember best is her first time in her new red car that had a stick shift and it was not so easy for her to get used to it as she was only used to automatic cars. So it was quite amusing as the car seems to jump instead of drivng. We also went shopping together for her graduation dress and had such a good time in the mall. I know that this is of minor interest but Hyatt was the only person who could eat a big mac and still look like a perfect lady, I do not know how she managed to do that.
Unfortunately we did not stay in touch after High School (I went back to Austria in summer 1991) but I got in touch with some old friends from back then on facebook and that is how I got to know that your wife died in December last year. I was quite shocked to hear that as she is two years younger than me and was in the middle of her life.
I read through your blog and you and Hyatt must have a wonderful family and friends who support you and your family. I will pray for her and your family and think that she will be with you spiritually for ever.
lots of love from Vienna
Christa
Troy,
Wishing you Peace in Your Soul this weekend at the NC Memorial Service.
Lots of Hugs Over the Fence,
Margaret, Rich, Lindsey & Jamie
Dear Troy, I'm thinking of you today and praying that you can experience God's grace in each moment. Many are still here praying and supporting from a distance. You are not alone. Much love being sent your way today!
Still thinking of you, Troy, and hoping that you are hanging in there.
Barb
Troy, You are often thought of and prayed for. You are not forgotten and not alone. Love and Hugs to you and the girls.
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