Has it really been that long? Time has a way of flashing by - but weirdly. It seems like all this started so long ago - but also that it was such a short time since I last talked with her.
I just walked through the kitchen on the way to my office PC to write something. It is so quiet at night - very lonely. If she were here, she'd have a smile for me - or certainly a tear and a hug in this case.
It doesn't get any easier, does it? It is getting harder now. As things work toward their inevitable conclusion I'm getting more and more numb with periods of deeper lows. This past Sunday was very emotional. I was thinking about how perfect everything felt in the weeks and month before this happened. How we just marveled at our kids, about how good it felt to be with each other, holding, touching, talking, and smiling.... and then it is all gone. All this is supposed to happen to those folks you read about in the newspaper or hear about on TV... or read about in a blog ... I used to project myself into those stories - to see what they felt - to run to my wife and kids afterward thinking how lucky I was, how lucky we were, that things like that, like this, happened to others. It is such a jarring, profound loss ... and as it stretches over time the hope for a miracle in the face of such a poor medical prognosis is very wearing - very tiring.
So let me tell you about some of the things that bring me joy and sustain me. The smile, kiss, and out of nowhere "I love you daddy's" that I get from Sid. The giggles, smiles, and dimples that light up Bek's face when I look at her and say "hi". The generosity of all the families that have helped us with meals, gift cards, and donations. The hugs and smiles of all my neighbors. The constant, daily, help that I get from my parents with raising the kids and managing a household. The prayers that I hear about (and those I don't know about directly, but am sure are happening). I am especially appreciative of those who give up time with their families to help us, to sit with Hyatt, to hold her, talk to her, and to pray with her. The comments that people leave on this bolg - I read it almost every night before I go to sleep - they are very comforting. I am constantly in awe of the outpouring of care and concern for me and the kids - I am thinkful to see that this type of support is alive and well in todays world.
I've run into a number of people now who know me through this tragedy, who have recognized me or picked up on something I said - who have stopped me and asked me about Hyatt, me, and the kids - and have told me that they are praying for me. Hyatt would be very pleased this level of caring...
God, I wish that I could have the chance to share all this with her....
Hold your spouse extra tight - kiss and hug your kids too much - let them know ....
Troy.
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I (Troy's brother Pete) have opened this site to provide updates for friends and family on Hyatt's condition. As a warning, there will be explicit details on her condition and some posts may not be for the feint of heart. Troy has asked that I do this, so that someday (soon!) Hyatt can read the details of exactly what happened.
Mary-Hyatt F. Nolan
23 comments:
i know it is hard but do not give on hope i am still praying the she will come too
i can't wait to hug you and bek and sidney!! i love you, just a cousin of hyatt's, but of blood and spirit, family. praying for the right answer, god's will for sure, and your comfort in it as well as all of our comfort in that will that shall be done.
Dear Troy,
We are one of those who have never met you or your family, but pray for you, Hyatt and your girls every single day. Your most recent post is so true..."this does not happen to me....others....read in blogs...." If we are truthful to ourselves, "it" can happen to each of us, and it does. We pray that God will hold you, Hyatt and the girls in the palm of His hand, that grace will abound, and for a miracle. I know that many times the miracle does not look like the miracle we desire, but is indeed bigger and better. This does not take the hurt in the deepest part of your soul away. Your community is incredibly behind you, anxious to help; your gratitude for this is apparent in your posts. Please continue to post as you are able.
We will continue to pray.
I'm so sorry. The mixed emotions you feel day-to-day must be so consuming and crushing. We continue to pray for Hyatt and your family. God is with all of you. Remember the "Footprints" prayer to help you through this.
The Dunkerly Family
Zionsville, IN
Troy,
I do not know your family personally but I follow this through your blog as well as Sydney's school. We pray and pray for you and your family every day. You have made such a difference in our lives as well as many others. Be strong, keep the Faith and it will all work out as He wants it. He will guide you forever and give you the strength and endurance to travel through this journey until you meet with Hyatt again if not before.
Take care and there are tons of people giving you and your family tons of hugs!!
Troy,
Your strength through all of this is amazing. God has given you the emotional and physical strength to support both Hyatt and the kids. As much as I try and simply cannot fathom the full measure of what you are going through, I am sure that our Heavenly Father will continue to provide for you , Hyatt and the girls the graces that you will need, no matter what outcome is in His plan.
There is an old saying that the Lord never gives us more than we can handle --although we initially not see it that way-- and that He is there beside you at all times.
Know that He IS with each of you and never leaves your side. You are seeing Him in every smile on your children's faces, the unique availability of your parents to be with you, the outpouring of love and support from your friends and neighbors far and wide and as you read in the blog comments, the very positive effect you are having on others -many of which know of you only through word of mouth and this blog.
Know that Hyatt's full recovery is prayed for daily and is among the prayers for the sick at our home parish, St. Matthews, at all Masses.
Hang in there. God's plan is not for us mortals to understand, but simply to trust and put our faith in Him.
We have a request of you....
Give your kids and parents a hug for us and when next with Hyatt tell her we love her.
Love,
Uncle Vinny, Aunt Debbie, Matthew, Bryan, Sean and Laura
I am a friend of Brett Pascarella's Mother and have followed very closely your situation. Just want you to know that I pray daily for you, for Hyatt and for your family. God has a plan for you all; be strong and his plan will be revealed. I want you to know that I enjoy her music so much; I feel as though I know her. What a talent! I. Payne
Troy, I went to High School with Hyatt. We were in Drama together. She is an amazing person. Everyone she knows likes her. I just found out about what happened to her on Sunday. I read every blog that night. And want you to know that she and all of you have been in my prayers ever since. I quite often think of all of you through out the day and continue to pray. Please just know that sooo many people are praying that God's will be done. He will be there for all of you through it all no matter what. God needs your Faith now and Hyatt needs your love and prayers. He will never leave you, Hyatt or the girls. I continue to pass on to others about Hyatt and they are praying for her as well. I know you feel our prayers and support and hope that it helps in some way. Please continue to blog as you can. And may God bless your family and friends who have all stepped up to be there for all of you. The Lord will either calm your storm or allow it to rage while He calms you.
Your pain is gut wrenching. As I have said before, I do hold my 2 year old a little longer every night now. Those extra moments that I hold her, I pray for you and for Hyatt and for your girls, but mainly for you. I know that Hyatt is okay and I know that those children will be loved tremendously by all. But my heart aches for you. I have to believe that God has a plan for you and yours and that that plan is now unfolding. Thank you for keeping us posted on here. I check in quite often.
Samantha
Troy and family
I'm so sorry about what is going on with Hyatt. I attend the mass where both of you are in the choir. Hyatt is such a beautiful person and your 2 girls are so beautiful. They have a great mother. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Troy,
I don't know you, but a friend forwarded me this blog a while ago and I've been following it and praying for Hyatt to pull through. I pray that G-d gives you and your family the strength to accept the things you can't change.
All of the outpouring of support you are receiving is a true measure of the love and support you and Hyatt gave others before this happened.
G-d bless you and your girls.
Oh, Troy, my heart continues to break for all of you. Thank you for continuing to keep those of us far away in touch.
And I wanted to tell you that Alex (who is 5) now prays daily when we say grace at dinner "for Hyatt to feel better."
Troy,
I know that it's hard right now, but hang in there and keep your Faith strong. I'm still praying for you and everyone every day!
Please, if you need anything at all, or would just like to chat, send me an e-mail: tmnolan(at)uncc(dot)edu.
Love,
Cousin Timbo
Troy,
Every morning at Haymarket Baptist Preschool we pray for you, for Hyatt, for the girls, for your parents...even for your dad's job. We feel the pain in the blog that you so candidly write about, and we know...just like you said...this happens to 'other people'...but you are right, it can happen to anyone.
Sid is doing great at preschool. Your mom and dad are awesome, we love them! We are glad to be able to help, to ease the burdens, in any way we can. We will continue our support and prayers as long as it's needed. Consider yourself hugged at this very moment by lots of caring teachers and families at HBCP! Love and prayers, Laurie Frasz
I got your blog address from a friend of mine that went to High School with Hyatt. She sent it out so that we could pray for Hyatt (I live in NC). I check in to see how you are each day. I myself have 3 children, my youngest will be 1 in two weeks, probably close in age to your youngest. I cannot imagine how you feel through out all of this. I will continue to pray for Hyatt, you and your children. Upon reading of all of this, I had been having some strange symptoms. I visited a cardiologist this week and I am scheduled for a stress echo next Tuesday to check out something that he heard during my exam. Please know that your sharing has touched so many people and in my case, gave me a reason not to ignore the symptoms I have been having, brushing them off as nothing. Thank you for your humblness in opening your life to the world. May His peace surround you and your family. Still praying for a miracle.
Troy, You are amazing. Although your heart is breaking, you're able to share with us to help us grow closer to those we love. I pray God provides you with the strength you need to get through each difficult day. And I pray for a miracle for Hyatt--because I believe in miracles. I pray too for your two little girls, Hyatt's parents and your parents and family every day. Betty, Ocala, Florida
Hey Troy . . .
Just wanted to let you know that I am still praying. I think of you, the kids and Hyatt everyday and cry everytime I read your blog. Sending lots of hugs and love . . .
Diann Matthews
Dear Troy, My heart is with you every day. We don't know eachother, but I've left you comments on here before. I do live nearby and so many times I'm just out driving and suddenly find myself thinking of you and Hyatt and I get teary and say a prayer, often out loud. Of course no one is listening to me except for God himself, and I know he is listening to each and every prayer that people are saying for Hyatt. I so often imagine myself in your shoes, and even put my husband in your shoes, and it brings me to tears even imagining it. I will never tell myself that something cannot happen to me...everything can happen to me. I also never say "Why ME?" I know that I'm no better than the next person, and I wouldn't wish any hardship on anyone else. So..."Why Anyone?" is somthing I'll find myself saying instead. I don't know if I'll ever know that answer.
God Bless you, Troy, and your sweet little girls,
Molly
Hang in there. Shirley Morton
Troy, I don't know you and in fact now, I don't even remember who or what directed me to your blog. But I want you to know I read it whenever I have a free moment, and I pray for you, Hyatt, and the girls.
There's little comfort in hearing that somehow this is all part of God's plan, yet we know it is. Whatever His will is, He is in control.
Hold onto your hope, to your family and friends, and to Hyatt. Don't give up.
Christie
This blog site was forwarded to me, and although I don't personally know you all, I cried myself to sleep the night I read it. I have forwarded it to all my praying friends and the pastors at my church (Manassas Baptist). I can't even begin to imagine what you all are going through, but please know that you all are being brought before the throne with many, many prayers. May God's strength sustain you day to day.
Troy,
I'm another "anonymous." My name is Cyndy, and my family (and our family group at St. Mary's) has been praying for you, Hyatt, your girls, and the rest of your family. My husband and I have two daughters, 13 and 17, and we are deeply in the midst of teenage angst--something I had heard about but never truly experienced even as a middle school teacher--because those kids were never MY kids. I had a profound conversation with my 17-year-old yesterday. We were talking about pregnancy, and abortion, and "what-ifs"; and she said she would have a hard time if she knew she was pregnant with a child who would be mentally retarded. Now, this is the child of ours who has suffered from repeated episodes of fairly deep depression, has been in therapy, and is currently taking anti-depressants. These days, though, she is holding her own and blossoming and talking to us again. I told her that when she was born, we never imagined some of the obstacles that we would face. Her difficulties with transitioning into responsible adulthood. Her depression. Her rejection of our love and offers to help. Yet, despite all these things, we would NEVER have chosen to save ourselves the pain, to deny her the life she has lived and will potentially live. We count ourselves blessed to have been chosen by God to take care of her. Troy, I hope you can see your role as husband and father in the same way. Perhaps God CHOSE us for the people we love--for our spouses, for our children--because He knew we were the ones who could be His hands, His loving touch. Because He knew we could and would be strong enough to endure and keep loving and believing.
We will continue to pray for you.
Troy, Please know that I continue to pray for a miracle for Hyatt. I ask God to wrap his arms around you, Sidney, Rebecca, Hyatt's parents and your parents and continue to bless each of you with strenght at this most unimanigably difficult time. Sincerely, Betty Edwards
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