It has been a week in the Hospice Facility today - with no significant change in Hyatt's condition. I am still praying daily for a miracle. I don't think that God is going to answer my prayers in the way that I want him to. This I can accept - I think the Bible quote goes something like - As high above the earth is the Sky, so high above my thoughts are His. I don't like this, but I can accept it.
Probably the hardest thing for me to come to terms with is that Sid probably will not have memories of Hyatt - and Bek certainly will not. Hyatt has had such a positive influence on both of their lives already I grieve for their loss more fiercely than my own.
I've had a couple of times in this past week where I needed my sounding board... to discuss things with Her ... to see things through Her eyes to try and find the right answers. These have been some of the first times that I've felt lost without her. Deciding on her care, on the mechanics of the things that I have to do because I am in this situation, is straightforward (or it seems that way thanks to all the support I get from key folks) - trying to figure out some of the issues that have no real clear answers is where I miss her voice most of all. That and the empty, cold, bed when I go to sleep. How am I going to manage this ... it is so overwhelming - but it is something I can't run from.... one minute at a time is about all I can manage.
She hugged me out of the blue the monday before all this happened. She said that she had had a dream that I would get injured in a car accident on the way to work and that she'd lose me. I stopped my morning rush out the door to hold her and tell her I loved her and that I'd make sure that didn't happen.... little did I know...
Go kiss your kids. Go hug your spouse so hard that it feels like you cant breathe .... hold on as tightly as you can... I wish I could again.
Troy.
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23 comments:
I love you, Troy.
Whitney
Troy, what you have been, and are going through now takes a strong heart, nerves of steel, an amazing amount of courage, and limitless love for your wife. You have taken the necessary steps to provide the best care for Hyatt - thats all anyone can ask for. As your daughters grow, you, and others will tell them what an amazing person their mom is, and they will know.
The Schumachers
Thanks Troy. My thoughts are always more for your children too and what they may or may not remember about her. I have lots of Faith that no one will ever let those little girls go a day without knowing how wonderful their Mommy was and how much she loved them. Hyatt's story has inspired me to keep a journal for both of my children, each separate and their own, in case something should happen to me. Thank you for that. God bless you and yours, and I am still praying for a Miracle.
Samantha
We are thinking of you, and praying for Hyatt, and the entire family. I'm so happy to know that your family and community are showing you so much love and support. You are never alone. God Is With You. Shirley and Craig
Dear Troy,
I am SO SORRY you are having to experience so much pain!!!!!! I wish it could just be taken away and that your life would go back to normal.
We don't have control of the outcome in situations that we are faced with in our lives,really. We can only control our response to what happens and continue to turn to the God who is in control even though it may not seem like it at times.
I am praying for you to experience the awareness of God's presence and peace as you continue on this journey wherever it takes you. I'm also praying for your girls. Regardless of what happens, you and your family can convey the heart of their mom to them.
Trusting and praying for God's strength and grace to be so evident to you as you face each moment.
Love & prayers still coming your way.
Julie Heard Newcomb
Greensboro, NC
It's never easy to let go. Sometimes I think God gives us this limbo time with our loved ones not to heal them, but to help heal us... to prepare us slowly for the massive changes that are ahead.
Talk to her openly about letting go. Tell her you and the kids will survive, keeping her memory and your family traditions alive. Tell her all the things you want to say to her before she leaves this earth, so you don't have to regret not saying it if she slips away suddenly. But more importantly, I think our loved ones know God's answer but sometimes stay in this world until they know it's okay to go Home where they have been called.
Letting go is not the same thing as giving up. It's giving the control back to God.
I have loved someone in a coma, and I have felt the difference between restorative/healing restfulness, and when the soul was only here for loved ones. I have felt the difference when the body becomes empty as the soul returns Home. I have seen the drastic changes in the body's health after that decision had been made. And I knew the whole time that God was there to comfort the dying and the living as they painfully parted.
Keeping you and your girls in my prayers. I am so sorry.
God answers prayers in his time. I pray that happens soon.
Troy,
We are in the process of gathering together our pictures and stories of Hyatt. That, combined with the recordings and videos that the family has of her will assure that she will never, ever be forgotten. Of course, anyone who knows and loves her will know that she could never be forgotten whether we had tangible proof or not. She's branded on our hearts.
I know how your heart is aching right now. Please hang on to the promise that we'll always be there for you and that, sometime in the future, we'll all be sharing our stories and pictures as time works its healing in our lives and our sorrow gives way to happy memories of our sweet girl.
Just as Sidney knew Ronnie & me after not having seen us for a year, she'll remember her mama. And we'll all help you to create memories of her for Bekah.
We love you so much.
Nancy
Troy & girls:
You are constantly lifted in prayer by us! The last several weeks you have been such a testimony to many, and made everyone stop and take the time to hug their little ones and spouse! It has truely effected my relationship with Chris. My heart aches for you. Like I have said before, the Lord has you and the girls in the palm of His hand.
"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who know Him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28
We love you and are praying for you!
The Price family
You and your family continue to be in my prayers. Please tell your mom I will see her on Friday!
Kim Nussbaum
You are not walking through this alone, Troy. So many, most of whom you don't know, are still praying right along with you, lifting you and your family up to the throne of God. I am still praying for Hyatt, praying for a miracle. God's ways are so much better than our ways, and not always for us to understand.
Dear Troy,
The girls can grow up knowing their Mommy intimately. It's not only the memories and stories you and family and friends share, but they can speak to her all their lives long and know her ongoing care for them.
Now they are praying for her in each night's prayers and speaking to her in visits, and when she leaves earth, they can pray for her and also speak to her in prayer and ask her intercession. You know the love & care of Hyatt and how she watched over them when she was home and running about on errands, but when united to Jesus in heaven, how much better can she watch over them with the clearer light coming from such close union with Jesus there! How much clearer should she know just what they need in growing up and in growing in love of God, and how much better a position is she in to obtain those graces to help them!
Many people have a very close relationship with the Virgin Mary and speak to her of all their joys, sufferings, hopes, and fears, knowing her love and watchful care. The girls can have this with not only one mom in heaven, but two moms in heaven. The closeness, sharing, and helping is not limited to when they're home from school or talking on the phone, but it is always accessible, all the time, anywhere.
I love you, Troy, Hyatt, Sid, and Bekah. It's going to be really hard for a while, and hard at times popping up in the farther future, but you will always be a family, separated in one way for a time, but always together in Christ.
Troy, My heart aches for you and those girls. I only got to see Hyatt with Sidney when she came to Atlanta last year, but ohh what an amazing mom she is! And the others on here are right, those precious girls will know how amazing their mom is, it's just incredibly sad that it may be secondhand. We do continue to pray for a miracle. Your ability to accept God's will is a testament to all of us. I can't begin to imagine your pain, but I'm so glad you have family/friends around you for support. Please tell Hyatt I love her, and miss her. If you need anything, please feel free to email. rollins(dot)rhonda(at)epa(dot)gov
Rhonda (Hunt) Rollins
Troy,
We are so VERY sorry that you and your family have had such a tragedy befall you! We did not have the pleasure of knowing Hyatt, but she certainly will always be a positive influence on all of your lives.
Perhaps in the future you can be comforted in a small way with the knowledge that your thoughts and actions during this crisis have been an inspiration to many. You, too, are an amazing part of the couple that is Troy and Hyatt, and your love, strength, and reliance on the Lord will sustain you.
We continue to pray for you all. God will surely bless and comfort you and the children and hold his angel, Hyatt, close to his heart. Your love shines through brightly, and your children will indeed love their mother, too!
Love to you all!
Troy,
I do not know you or your family but you are at the top of my prayer list. God is SO BIG and I hope you will remember that when you feel lonely, sad and defeated during the wee hours of the night. It sounds as though your support system is so strong and your love and memories of Hyatt's healthy life so vivid.
Take care of YOU and your babies and allow God to take care of the rest!
Love from Texas,
The Crandell Family
To Troy and family -
I lost my husband of 8 years in June. We have two boys, 4 and 2. I have a friend that forwarded me this link. I have just cried and cried reading your updates. So many have hit home. The hardest thing for me was letting go. Our pastor came to the hospital in his last days and asked me to let God's will be done. And I remember asking him why I couldn't be selfish and want him to stay. I will pray for you and your beautiful family during this horribly difficult time. You hold the key to keeping Hyatt's memories "alive" for your children. They can know their mom, only you and your family have to bring her to them. Lean on your support. When the time is right, I invite you to our blog, to see our journey into healing. You will see that my boys' Daddy is very much still "alive" in our home. God Bless you.
Kara Miller
www.millermoments.wordpress.com
Troy, you don't know me, but I'm one of Susan Schneider’s friends and she has kept us updated on your circumstance. I wanted to write you a note of encouragement during these difficult times. Like you, I went through a similar experience (i.e. illness, hospice) with my wife a few years ago and can relate to the range of emotions you are experiencing – trying to be strong for Hyatt and your children, yet you don’t know if you have the strength or courage to take another step. I can remember the days when I prayed Isaiah’s words of “Lord, I’m not asking to run and not be weary, just let me walk and not be faint”. There were many times I didn’t want to get out of bed. It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced, but not by my might and “by His strength”, I was able to make it through those dark days and lead my children through the valley……and so will you! Before the world was formed, God selected you to be Hyatt’s earthly priest, to love her and to cherish her like Christ loves the church. You are being Jesus to her at this very moment and strength upon strength to your beautiful children. Stay close to God during these times for he will be your strength and strong tower. He loves Hyatt and your children more than you do, and He loves you so much as well. As he told Joshua, he is asking you to "Be strong and courageous" and then "the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Hold on to His words...His promises, and your band of brothers and sisters will stay in the trenches and battle in prayer for you.
Rob & Missy
Troy,
I have to tell you that I am sooo amazingly proud of you. Just knowing that someone like you exist in the world, is a great pleasure. You are strong, open, and not afraid to express your feelings about such an incredibly difficult, very personal life changing experience. You are an inspiration and the true example of loving..I mean truly loving.
I am better for knowing you and your wonderful family. Thank you for opening up your heart and sharing it with those who are not with you, physically.
Troy, you are strong!
Sending all of my love and prayers.
Paul Birge
..but Troy, although your girls most likely won't have any of their own memories of Mommy, we will all be there to help you to remember every little thing about her so when you tell the girls stories about Mom, they'll be as accurate as possible!
Troy,
It sounds as if Hyatt somehow foresaw your separation in her dream, and it provided you both the precious opportunity to stop the daily grind for a moment--to hug, hold, and appreciate each other. What a beautiful gift...
We are praying for you and for every one of your "minutes." Hang in there.
P.S. We see where Sidney gets her intuitive side...
The Plan of the Master Weaver....
Our lives are but fine weavings
That God and we prepare,
Each life becomes a fabric planned
And fashioned in His care.
We may not always see just how
The weavings intertwine,
But we must trust the Master's hand
And follow His design,
For He can view the pattern
Upon the upper side,
While we must look from underneath
And trust in Him to guide...
Sometimes a strand of sorrow
Is added to His plan,
And though it's difficult for us,
We still must understand
That it's He who fills the shuttle,
It's He who knows what's best,
So we must weave in patience
And leave to Him the rest...
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why ---
The dark threads are as needed
In the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
---Author Unknown
Troy and family,
I do not know you all...but I have been crying for you and praying for you from the start. The poem above has helped me through some hearbreaking times...I hope it also comforts you in some small way.
Troy,
At times when you feel the most lost and in need of Hyatt's guidance, try this: set aside your fog of overwhelming grief for a moment, close your eyes, sit quietly, and imagine yourself in specific conversation with Hyatt. Ask for her help and her thoughts regarding the matter at hand...and then listen closely to her reply.
As her husband and best friend of many years, you KNOW Hyatt, better than anyone. You have been through many years, many life experiences with her, and you know what she would say and how she would respond in most situations. If you allow yourself a moment of quiet, and a moment of focused thought, you may find that you discover what she would advise in those times when you need her the most...
To the previous poster--that is a beautiful poem--thank you for sharing it with Troy and with all of us.
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