So Hyatt was always the one who remembered all the little details of our life. Who all the gifts from 5 years ago were from, how each family member was related to us, and all the rest. I never needed to. Strange though, looking through her closet, I can see her in each and every piece of clothing. I can remember how she looked in it, and something that she was doing.
That is really one of my last remaining fears, that I'm going to forget these things. Some of you who are really close to me have seen my short-term memory get shwacked over the past year by lack of sleep and the stresses of life... so that somewhat amplifies that fear.
I guess in the large sense, life is not made up of all the crystal clear memories of each instant. It is made up of the lasting impressions that we carry with us. I'd like to be able to explain to the girls exactly what their mama was like in every given circumstance - but I'm probably not going to remember - nor do I remember them all explicitly now. They just come to me as the situations evolve. I guess maybe they will come less frequently over time. That is hard.
Its been quite a while since I posted. I didn't post on the anniversary of her cardiac arrest - I didn't post on the anniversary of her death. Why? I guess I didn't have much meaningful to say. Not that any of you hang by my every word - but sometimes these anniversaries just don't trigger the emotional response in me that I'd expect....
So, what am I thankful for today? I am thankful for the person that I am because of her influence. I am thankful for when the memories hit. I am thankful for the love of my family, my extended family, and my friends. I am thankful for my girls and I am hopeful about the future.
I don't know if this is my last post here ... I guess I'll see how the spirit moves me.
Tell your spouse, family, kids, all those close to you how much they mean to you and how much you love them. Life changes every heartbeat, and you never know if you or they will be given the gift of another one.
How long has it been?
Troy.
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I (Troy's brother Pete) have opened this site to provide updates for friends and family on Hyatt's condition. As a warning, there will be explicit details on her condition and some posts may not be for the feint of heart. Troy has asked that I do this, so that someday (soon!) Hyatt can read the details of exactly what happened.
Mary-Hyatt F. Nolan
23 comments:
I have missed your posts and your words have taught me to be more thankful and gracious to all those I love.
May this new year bring you love and peace.
Hey Troy,
I'm glad you posted this. I think of you guys often and hope that you are doing well.
Lots of love,
Jen F (aka Jen C)
Hey Troy,
I'm keeping you and your girls in my prayers. After reading your post about being afraid to lose the memories of her, it dawned on me that there are two things you could do: 1. write down everything you can remember now or 2. Video tape yourself talking about her. That way when your little girls are old enough they can either read what you wrote or watch the DVD you made talking about their mom. I thought that could help with your fear. Just food for thought! Your posts always remind me what is most important. Thank you for that.
God bless you!
Troy, thanks for sharing. Your posts are always a reminder of God's grace in the midst of pain and hope. Most of all they remind me to be thankful and capture the moment! You are loved, GarvyS
Troy,
I'm so glad to finally read an update. Don't let this be the last one.
I pray for you and your girls often- even though I never even knew you or your wife.
Please let me know if you or the girls ever need anything! Even just a babysitter so you have some time away. I live in Alexandria so it isn't far at all. You can find my email on my blog.
Praying for you and sending lots of hugs!!
-Jessica
Troy,
I check in every so often just to see if you've added any new thoughts. It's nice to see that you did. Thanks. Because even though we're far away, you and the girls are still in our thoughts and prayers.
We sent Zeke the Wonder Dog to "go live with God" last July, as 4 year old Jessie says. She tells us often that she misses him, but that some day when we go live with God too, he'll be waiting for us. Once in a while she says that he must be sad and missing us, and I tell her that Hyatt is taking care of him for us for now. She's glad about that.
Love to you and Syd and Bekah.
sue ij (and Scott, Alex and Jessie)
During Mass today your family was on my mind and I was glad to see a post to see how you and your family have been doing. I too hope it is not your last, each time I look over at one of my girls sleeping I am reminded of what a blessing that is and how my family always come first.
Thank you for reminding us once again of what is REALLY important.
May God continue to bless you and your family--
Carol from Haymarket
We still love hearing from you and hope this is not the last post.
The girls are beautiful, so well behaved and so much fun to watch. You and Grandma always look well rested and ready for whatever the day will bring (I know it can be unpredictable with 2 little ones). I think you are doing a great job!
Continuing to pray for strengh, health, love and grace for you,
Ursula
Memories. We have lots of them, don't we? She was an amazing, beautiful life force - that's why it's so hard to accept that she's gone (at least for me).
God gives us memories and He takes away the exact details so that we won't keep on feeling the pain so much. You aren't forgetting her - that will never happen - you are healing, and that's what I want for you. That's what she wants for you.
The girls are thriving and that's a tribute to you as their father. Hyatt would be proud. She IS proud - and so am I.
The future is waiting and I pray that it will be wonderful.
Love you, sweet one-
Aunt Nancy
Troy,
Hadn't checked in quite awhile and was glad to see a recent post. Your faith and transparency through all of this are an inspiration to me. Thank you.
I have so enjoyed getting to know your precious family...the tiny ones AND the grown up ones! :) I truly appreciate the support from your parents over the last couple of weeks. Please pass along my appreciation.
Take care,
Kim Nussbaum
btw... did your mom tell you about Bekah wanting cookies when I was there earlier?? She's a smart one, alright!! She cracked me up!! :)
Dear Troy, I think of you and your daughters periodically, so I was happy to get this update. You are doing a great job, Troy. Loving your daughters is the greatest gift to Hyatt. I know she is proud of you!
Your open honesty to us about how you are taking each day/week/month at a time, working thru the issues of your heart, is moving. Your entries are always that way. Thank you for giving us a window into your heart/life.
Just the other day, I heard a song that reminded me of Hyatt, of our friendship in High School. You are right... it is not always the memories that are crisp, but the lasting impression. She was a ray of sunshine! Kind, loving, funny.
May the Lord continue to walk with you on this journey of grieving, healing, living. May He bring comfort and fill voids for you and your babies. May He bless you with joy in her memories and sweet impressions!
Warmly, Carol
Troy,
I am glad to see your post. I saw you the other day at the grocery store in the middle of the snow storm, and wanted to say hello, but the icy parking lot kept me away :) I am glad that you and the girls are well. You will not forgey\t the small details. They will continue to come to you in different ways and unexpected times. Please keep posting. There are many of us who think of you often and wish you all the best.
Tracy
Troy,
I've been following this blog since I found out about it from a friend while Hyatt was in the hospital. I think of you and your family often and pray for G-d to watch over you.
Sending you good thoughts from NYC and hope that you will continue to blog.
Troy
We were wondering how you and the girls were doing over the holidays. Drop us a line sometime and let us hear from you.
The Schumachers
Beautifully said even if bitter sweet.
You are honoring her spirit everyday and we ALL marvel at all you do to show your love and kindness when it could be so easy to be mad and damaged.
Much Love from across the fence,
Margaret, Rich, Lindsey and Jamie
Thank you for the note on my blog. I cried as I read your story. I cried for your obviously amazing wife. I cried for you and your beautiful girls. I cried because it reminded me so much of my pain. I cried because it is hard to believe that the God that I know, who is full of love, could ever allow these terrible things to happen. But one of the greatest lessons that this has taught me is that it is not our job to understand. We will never in this life understand his plan, but someday we will see him and our loved ones face to face, and then it will all fall in place.
I know this may be asking to much, but I would love the opportunity to learn more about how you are talking to your daughters about the loss of Hyatt. Colleen is coping well, but I know as she gets older that she will have more questions. My heart breaks thinking about those conversations, and I would love to be able to talk to another parent who has been through it as well. My email is kristincooper03@gmail.com. Best - Kristin Cooper
Hey Troy,
I've still been thinking about you and the girls and praying as God brings you to mind. I hope you've enjoyed the spring weather and time with friends and family. You are loved, GarvyS
Troy, I still think about and pray for you and the girls. You are loved, GarvyS
Troy, I'm a friend of Patricia's, actually Jim & Sarah Frances (my husband grew up w/ both of them) so we've never met. I've followed your blog since the first entry. I just checked it today & saw your post about not remembering all you can about Hyatt. That happens to all of us who try to remember those we've lost, & yes sleep deprivation, as well as age, does work on the short term memory.
As an older person (a grandma of 3 & mom to 3)I would suggest if it hasn't been done yet, ask your friends & family to write down (or email) remembrances of Hyatt. Anything they can no matter how insignificant, funny anecdotes, jokes she might have told, songs she liked to sing, childhood or school memories. If they have photos that can be scanned or shared get those too. If they can date it & also identify themselves it helps. It's kind of like a high school yearbook with friends writing in it. After 40 yr. you forget who Andy or Jessica might be without a last name to go with it or old photos without dates. You forget, trust me. Then put them in some kind of binder or book to share with your children as they grow up. It will help them know their mom like others knew her. I'm sure as they get older they'll read it again & again & especially when they are adults, to help them know the woman who left their lives way too early. (Laura C.)
Happy Father's Day, Troy!
Troy, You came to mind last night so I said a prayer for you and he girls. Trusting that you are experiencing God's grace for each new day and enjoying the moments as they come. You are still loved and prayed for. GarvyS
I often wonder how you and your family is doing. We have never met but I live in Bristow and I am a member of BMAK. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Please post when the mood strikes you because a lot of people want to know how your doing.
Take care,
Phyllis Martello
I just hugged my children this AM and thought of you and your beautiful girls this AM. So...I came to see if you had posted anything recently. Periodically I check back to see how you are doing and now I see it has been 8months since your last post. I hope life is going well and you are enjoying each precious moment with your girls.
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